Monday, October 31, 2005

"Without courage, all virtue loses meaning" - Winston Churchill

The truth of this quote seems to strike me even more evidently than before. The lack of courage to act upon your beliefs, do the right thing, and stand up is contradictory to not "cring[ing] before power." Yet incontrovertible evidence is that the boys who are responsible as my accusers are nothing but cowards. And I am pissed off. I have discovered one of my accusers. The younger is only a snot-nosed punk of a kid who doesn't know any better. Fresh out of his momma's womb, the boy seeks guidance and acceptance more than anything else, and has a difficult, if not impossible with his surroundings, time upholding what he everyday says through his lips. His innocence is evident in his inability to look me in the eye, and his nervous glances as he quietly goes about his business hoping to be unnoticed. But his absence and lack of direct contact with me, which is unusual, directly points to him. No one but the accused, the accuser and the prosecution know the deal, so everyone else is innocent in their looks, completely bewildered by my unusual silence and change in demeanor. Moreover, it is the look. The eyes are the windows to the soul the yiddish proverb states. His eyes are guilty. Behind them is a throbbing want to express himself to me to either explain himself or apologize. But I fear it is the latter for him. For him, I believe that the matter is beyond him now. And in his immaturity, he knows not what he has done. I wont be held responsible.

It seems to me the larger forces that be within the organization has a paranoia about me. They are all waiting for me to explode in rage and anger. They are all quiet whenever I am around and I feel that the reason is myself. I acknowledge that it is my demeanor that causes this, but is it justified? Whispers by the head of the witchhunt, meetings that I have mistakenly walked into lead me to see the look of question in their eyes, "How long has he been here? What did he hear?" Ridiculous. A prisoner in my own house of daggers.

Now for the older one. I've had this thought of supposedly justified idealism that has been crumbling since the rebirth of the revolution so to speak. It's become a wailing wall of sorts, once great and reflecting the glory of what is good and positive. Now, all that remains is a poor south end wall that stands by itself, bearing witness to the lamenting and cries of a disillusioned and persecuted widow, mourning the loss of something so great and something so attainable. He is the last gust of wind that pushes the wall over. Nothing left in the modern world of politics and envy that wants to support the archaic notions of an ideal gone past. Victor Hugo said that nothing is so powerful as an idea whose time has come. What he forgot to mention is nothing is so ephemeral as an idea whose time is past.


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